Couple Therapy: How to recover your relationship

Couple Therapy: How to recover your relationship

Couple Therapy: How to recover your relationship

We could start by asking ourselves:

Here are six questions to ask yourself to discover a problem pattern:

1. How often does the problem occur (once an hour, once a day, once a week)?

2. What is the typical time (time of day, time of week, time of month, time of year) of the problem?

Does the problem occur only on weekends? Only at night?

Right after I got home from work.

3. How long does the problem usually last?

4. Where does the problem usually occur?

In the living room? The kitchen? The bathroom? At work? Weather

are you in your car?

5. What do you do when the problem occurs? AND AGAIN

Hit the table? Leave the room? Call a friend and

vent? Do you avoid seeing or talking to other people? Hurry for food or a cup of coffee?

6. What do people around you say or do when the problem occurs?

Do they give advice? Blame yourself or someone else? Do you use certain phrases or tones of voice?

These questions, although simple, give us a lot of information, and make us reflect and anticipate events, be prepared to avoid conflicts, and be more aware of how to act, learn and be more effective when solving problems in the couple.

It is also convenient to increase our degree of empathy to:

One: understand their world

Two: Get levers that lead us in the positive

Three: disrupt habitual patterns that are not effective

Four: Define the problem in solvable terms.

Five: create new options

Six: condition change and commit us to it

Seven: Relating to a higher purpose ........

Guide to avoid an unwanted conflict

"When one does not want to, two do not fight." Each one is responsible for

the behaviour of your partner and can influence it. If you do not want to have a conflict, you can avoid it.

Here are two strategies to follow.

A) - Relaxation. Count to ten before answering and think about what you are going to say.

- Express your emotions and suggest more suitable alternative behaviours.

B) - Relaxation. Count to ten before acting and think about what you are going to say and do.

- Use of time out.

- Thought stop.

- Change of thought and/or activity.

The solution-oriented relationship

1. Recognize and validate each other's feelings and points of view.

2. After recognition and validation comes communication about actions. What actions, behaviours, work, and what actions do not work for each one, both in the past and in the present.

3. Each member then learns to recognize and change (through daily practice) the action patterns of the problem. If you find yourself doing the same thing over and over, but it does not work, it is a sign that you need to do something different. If you used to do things that worked better, do them again. This may seem obvious, but when you are stuck, sometimes you cannot see the obvious.

Relationship rescue

Nine suggestions for solving a relationship crisis:

1. Change your style or habitual conflict patterns.

If you tend to speak loudly during an argument, soften your voice. If you normally run away or withdraw, stay still.

2. Do a 180 turn: change your usual chaser-distance pattern (most pairs fall into a typical pattern of who chases and who retreats),

3. Surprise your partner doing something right, write down and talk to your partner about everything in the

recent past so you can think about giving it credit and confidence.

4. Discard words that are vague, guilty, and loaded with reproaches and negativity; Instead, use active listening, silence, and empathetic conversation.

5. Change your complaints to "Requests for action" (Probably the most crucial area to talk about action is telling your partner what bothers you about the relationship).

6. Make a specific plan for change. Often, we make better changes if we sit down and plan an action strategy, write, and regularly check what we have written.

7. Focus on how you (not your partner) can change and take responsibility for making that change.

8. Exploit the stereotype that your partner has of you.

(Sometimes the people we live with have a stereotypical impression of

who we are, and we confirm this by always playing our typical roles)?

9. Listen with compassion

Sometimes the simplest solution is to stop and listen to what

your partner is saying and imagine how they might feel that way or see things in that light. Do not try to defend yourself.

The two typical communication problems in relationships: guilt and vagueness.

Guilt tends to focus on the bad qualities or intentions that the other person has.

A decision made from fear is generally a wrong decision.

Understand that your partner is scared too and begins to operate from a place of compassion and love, even when it doesn't seem reciprocal. Remember that every communication is a loving response or a cry for help, and your love can melt away any fear or pain.

Carmen Martinez - Psicóloga y Coaching

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Celia Martínez Psicóloga
Exeter, Devon, England,
United Kingdom

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