Couple Therapy: How can I forgive you? Breaking Patterns

Couple Therapy: How can I forgive you? Breaking Patterns

Couple Therapy: How can I forgive you? Breaking Patterns

Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again and Expecting Different Results

Here are six questions to ask yourself to discover a problem pattern according to B. O´Hanlon:

1. How often does the problem typically happen (once an hour, once a day, once a week)?

2. What is the usual timing (time of day, time of the week, time of month, time of year) of the problem?

Does the problem happen only on weekends? Only at night? Right after you arrive home from work?

3. How long does the problem typically last?

4. Where does the problem typically happen?

In the living room? The kitchen? The bathroom? At work? While you are in your car?

5. What do you do when the problem is happening?

Do you pound the table? Leave the room? Call up a friend and vent? Avoid seeing or talking to others? Rush for food or a cup of coffee?

6. What do others who are around when the problem is happening usually do or say? Do they give advice? Blame you or someone else? Use certain phrases or voice tones?


Method 1: Change the "doing" of the problem

To solve a problem or change things that are not going as well as you would like, change any part you can of your regularly repeated actions in the situation. One way to change the pattern of the problem is to do

some­thing different when you have the problem. Pay attention to what you usually do when you have the problem and do it differently.

Method 2. Use paradox

Go with the problem or try to make it worse. Stop trying to fix the problem or make the situation better. One way to change the pattern of the problem is to try to make it worse (that is, more intense or more frequent). Or you can deliberately try to make the problem happen. Or just stop trying to avoid having the problem and instead embrace it and allow it to happen.

Method 3: Link new actions to the problem pattern

Add something new, usually something burdensome, to the situation, every time the problem occurs. Another way to break a problem pattern is to link something else

to the occurrence of the problem. It could be something that you think you ought to do but are not doing or something that will help increase your motivation not to "do" the problem.

Import Some Solution Patterns from Other Situations in which You Felt Competent.


There's Nothing as Dangerous as an Idea When It Is the Only One You Have

Changing how you think and what you pay attention to change your situation for the better. This can involve five things:

1. Acknowledge your feelings and your past without letting them determine what you do.

2. Change what you are paying attention to in a problem situation.

3. Focus on what you want in the future rather than on what you do not like in the present or the past.

4. Challenge unhelpful beliefs about yourself and your situation.

5. Use a spiritual perspective to help you transcend your troubles and to draw on resources beyond your usual abilities.


Getting Beyond the Past and Your Feelings

To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.

—Katherine Paterson


Discovering Your Vulnerable Feelings and Giving Them a Voice

Breaking Free from Compulsions and Addictions by Separating Your Feelings from Your Actions

Method 1: Acknowledge your own experience, feelings, and self.

Method 2: Acknowledge others' feelings and points of view.

Method 3: Acknowledge the facts and the influence of the past without letting them determine the present or future.


 Expand Your Focus of Attention

Shift your attention from one of your ways of gathering information from the world (such as seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, or smelling) to a different input channel.

The essence of the solution-oriented approach is a very pragmatic principle: If what you are doing is not working, do something different. Pay attention to the results you get when you change what you are doing. If it works, keep doing it If it does not work, try something new again. Prepare, try something, and then adjust until you get the results you intended.


Carmen Martinez - Psicóloga y Coaching

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Celia Martínez Psicóloga
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