Couple Therapy: Self-motivation and couple Identification of your partner's schemes

Couple Therapy: Self-motivation and couple Identification of your partner's schemes

Couple Therapy: Self-motivation and couple Identification of your partner's schemes

Your partner exists in your mind. The real person is locked inside a psyche that you can never enter, never know directly. So you look from the outside. You listen, you observe the behaviour, you remember. And over time, you develop a set of summary conclusions called schemas that make up the psychological portrait of the person you are with.

Many schemas are simply the names of traits that you use to explain your partner's behaviour and describe their personal qualities.The outline can be based on hundreds of small events and help you organize many different experiences into categories that are labelled.
Negative schemes like lazy, stupid, stubborn, cruel, harsh, vain, incompetent, insensitive, dangerous, crazy, and the like have enormous power.
Schemas are your only reality. What you believe to be true is the only truth you can have. The schemes you use to explain and interpret what your partner does, the labels that describe and fix the identity of a partner for you, influence all dimensions of the relationship. What you feel, what you give, what you ask for, and how you communicate are tremendously affected by how you have labelled your partner.
In addition to schematics about personality traits, you can also schematize your partner's motivations and intentions, for example ("She is trying to control me ... She's all ego; trying to build herself by taking me down ... She is trying to get away from my friends ... etc.)
Negative schemas about motivations, intentions, feelings, and judgments about you can be enormously destructive.
Perhaps the most destructive of all schemes is the belief that your partner doesn't love you. ("If he loved me, I'd make time to be alone together")
Once you have established an outline about your partner's personality or intentions, there are two processes that tend to perpetuate it. The first is the tendency to pay attention only to the events that support the schema. There is a natural propensity to ignore and filter out anything that doesn't fit your preconceptions. The second, the schemes that are based on the assumptions that you use most frequently to explain the ambiguous behaviour of your partner.
Also, the stronger a negative schema, the more memories it contains, and the greater its suction power.

Carmen Martinez - Psicóloga y Coaching

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