Fatal Attraction

Fatal Attraction

Most people want to be romantically involved, it's okay to want to be in a relationship, and it's okay to pursue one. Recognize and accept your desire to be in a relationship, knowing that it is a normal and healthy human desire.

But also, if you know what kind of relationship you want, it's great, but it's not easy. Ask yourself, any type? A satisfying, loving and lasting one? A temporary relationship? The kind you've been to before? Do you feel that you have repeated couple patterns in your history?

Once you clarify what type of relationship you want to be in, it is convenient to choose what type you need to be in. The two can be different. Our underlying needs will be connected to our unfinished business and what we think we deserve. Depending on our beliefs and values, our education, family, place of birth, if we have anger, grudges, unresolved prejudices towards men or women, it is likely that our relationships justify those emotions and feelings and direct us towards a type of partner.

We can let go or start working on getting rid of our destructive needs or past feelings. We change what we believe so we can change what we see and act accordingly.

The next concept to consider is this "our kind" thing. For years, you may have had notions about "your type." When you're looking for a relationship, you're looking for people you're attracted to. You may know "your type." He stood a certain way, he walked a certain way, he talked a certain way, he had a certain look in his eyes and a certain story that created that look. By "attracted," I mean the explosive chemistry you'd experience before you even met the person. Many people say they wouldn't consider getting romantically involved with people who aren't their type. On the other hand, they would enter a relationship solely on the strength of that initial attraction. Is it convenient or is it risky? Many people have allowed this phenomenon of fatal attraction to control their relationships. Many have overlooked people with whom they could have a successful and healthy relationship. It is possible to expand our ideas about our “type”.

Chemistry is important in a relationship, but so are other things.

That initial attraction is not love, it does not guarantee love, and it usually excludes love. We can be attracted to and develop better chemistry with people who are not our type but really are. It may not be as powerful right away, but it will become powerful and last much longer.

This leads to our next consideration: the availability factor. There are several facts that make a person unavailable to participate in an intimate love relationship. That person may be married or currently involved in another romantic relationship. The person may be recently divorced or so recently out of another relationship that they are not available. The separation process takes time, and the desperation and immediacy of finding another partner are not good advisers. The person may not want to be in a healthy and loving relationship, or perhaps the person may not want to be in a relationship with you.

Active chemical dependency, sex addiction, or other unresolved issues make a person unavailable to participate in a relationship. Practising alcoholics, sex addicts, and gamers are not available to participate in healthy, loving relationships.

Other factors that may indicate unavailability may include:

  • Being so tied to a past family that the person does not have the material or emotional resources to participate in a current relationship.
  • Being a compulsive worker or being so busy that the person does not have time to devote to a relationship.
  • Living in another city or country, causing the person to be unavailable to meet the needs of the relationship.

Trying to start a relationship with someone who is not available can trigger a lot of upsets and frustrations, seriously damaging the relationship. The unavailability factor should not be taken personally or in vain. We don't need to use it to test negative beliefs about men, women, or relationships. The availability of a person is a fact, and the facts must be accepted and considered.

Many people have spent much of their lives feeling bitter and complaining that they were trying to make a relationship work with someone who was not available, attracted to their "type" when the compelling factor that causes this attitude is precisely their unavailability. Some experts call it "impossible loves" and they are.

We can learn to assess availability. Often it can be determined in the first few minutes, but sometimes it takes longer.

We must also consider our availability; many people may be hooked on a past relationship.

We must also consider our availability, many people may be stuck in a past relationship, recovering from a previous relationship, without time and/or energy for a relationship, if you are with someone with whom you do not want to have a permanent and committed relationship, you are not available.

What do you want to happen in your relationships? What do you need to happen? What do you think you deserve? You can begin to make room for the good by affirming the good and taking responsibility for their behaviour in the relationship initiation process. Fatal attractions are not love.

How do you meet people? Socializing. If we are serious about meeting people, we need to socialize regularly. We need to look and feel our best. That means an extra effort in our appearance. That means the extra effort also goes into self-care, and self-esteem. The most attractive people are those who love themselves and live their own lives. We may have to defend ourselves against suitors and the unavailable, but this alternative is better. Also, it will be a good practice. We will have many opportunities to say no and some opportunities to say yes. The concept of accessibility, of being warm and friendly, may be obvious, but it is often overlooked.

We do not have to abandon reason in favour of emotion. Someone can "feel" good for us, but if that person is not available, he or she is not okay. On the other hand, we do not have to abandon emotion in favour of reason. We may think that someone is right for us, but if no feelings arise after meeting the person, that person is not right for us, even if he or she is healthy and available.

It's called acceptance, the blissful state from which all things can change for the better. Not desperation and not immediacy, of course.

Carmen Martinez - Psicóloga y Coaching

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